A Note from the Scaredy-Cat About the State of the World — and my “World,” Too

CW: pandemic, anxiety, depression

Hello from my front porch, dear readers. It’s been a while. I hope you’re all well out there. My last post was two months ago, which, wow, I did not realize it was that long ago. Time is strange these days.

I wanted to give you an update. I haven’t forgotten this blog. I hope you haven’t given up on me yet, either.

I’ve reached some hurdles in my blogging. I’ll start with the easier hurdle to explain. I like to focus on the microcosm of travel – specific places, tastes, and themes. My plan for the weeks following my last post was to work on city guides for each of our stops in Peru. But in the age of a pandemic, how can I recommend places to stay, eat, and visit when I don’t know if they will still exist after this is all done?

Peru, like many places, has been struggling with the pandemic. There is a lack of medical equipment and funding there. Its indigenous people, especially, have been hit hard. I learned this week that girls and women have been going missing at a higher rate since the beginning of the pandemic, too, which may be related to the high rates of domestic violence there.

Things are changing rapidly and the world of next month will be different than the world of last month. The Peru I visited six months ago will be different than the Peru tourists visit when tourism opens again.

So I’ve decided to scrap the city guides in the form that I had intended and instead do something a little more general. It’s on my to-do list.

But that leads me to my next problem: mental health.

I’ve mentioned my anxiety before. I have a lot of it about a lot of things. A large portion of it is health-related (and, by turn, death-related). You might imagine how well my brain takes the idea of a global pandemic, especially in a country where too many people aren’t taking it seriously.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my depression before, though.

Since the death of my husband in 2005 (sorry for that bombshell, readers), my anxiety and depression have gotten more unpredictable. The world can easily overwhelm me. It’s one of the reasons having such a structured schedule helped me maintain normalcy and calm for the first couple months of lockdown.

Then the tedium started to gnaw at me. The state of my country took my attention. I suffered some personal losses. And it all compounded.

When I’m having a depressive episode – you may relate – my whole body feels heavy. My brain foggy. My concentration is gone. What energy and focus I do have left has to go to the jobs that pay me. (I teach English as a foreign language teacher online and write and edit content for a public relations firm.)

That’s not to say I haven’t been trying to find adventure and excitement where I can. In the praying mantis, pictured above, on our front porch. In walks in new spaces. In the purchase of a new Tarot deck or a delicious new meal.

And it’s not that I haven’t tried to get something up on here. Heck, I started writing this post last week (I’m no longer on my porch). And I’ve rewritten a blog post, about a weekend trip to Bedford, Pennsylvania, several times now. But when not one of them quite sound like “me,” I don’t just want to post things just to post them.

(And then, of course, the longer I don’t write, the more I forget the experience. And the harder I have to think and concentrate to get it right. And the more energy it takes. And, well, you understand the cycle by this point.)

So, I’m trying. I’ll get there. And if you’re struggling, you’ll get there, too.

Hopefully I’ll have something new and interesting up for you soon! And if I don’t, you can always catch me on Instagram.

Until next time, Mel